Friday night... or early Saturday morning

Here I sit in this house of dark walls and dim lights, the television barely audible...I leave it on so that I can see a face on the screen...that way I don't feel like I'm home alone. I'm listening to the ticking of two clocks hanging on two separate walls. Funny thing is, they are not ticking in unison, which says to me that they are probably not giving the correct time either. I guess if you want the correct time, you don't rely on a battery operated device hanging on your wall, rather you check your cell phone to know what time it really is.

So, besides that, what's happening with me? Not so much. I did take notice of something breathtaking when I got out of my car tonight after work. The moon had risen in the East in such a gloriously beautiful full white glowing circle of light against a clear blue-black sky that I had to stop in my tracks and stare at it. It was spectacular...a picture, but worth so much more than a 1000 words! I wish I had taken a picture of it, but my little Sony camera would not have done it justice with my humble 3X zoom lens. There was not a single cloud to obscure the view either and with a crisp 40 degree temperature in the air (which I adore), I thought I had died and gone to heaven for just a brief moment.

There is a dog barking in the neighborhood. Every night the little guy barks. I fear he has a neurotic side that causes him distress so much so that he feels compelled to make it known to the entire neighborhood. Perhaps it is the "kids" who live down the street in the college dorms walking down the street or maybe it is a stray cat that upsets him. Perhaps he is just being protective of his home. Whatever the case, he's very vocal about it.

So, how about the economy! I wonder why we can't we just print tons more worthless paper money and pass it out to everyone of us and let us all have a field day spending it on whatever we want, instead of worrying about which corporations to bail out when all that their top dogs know is extravagance for themselves first. Oh yea, they will hang their heads and slyly ditch the luxuries for now (at least outwardly) in a last ditch effort to try and get a handout. Isn't it always the "little guy" who gets stuck with the short end of the stick while the "big man" gets to sip champagne and live in the lap of luxury? There is an old saying that "money talks"...well I can't hear anything.

Where is everyone? Where is the noise that I miss around this house? The silence is irritating. Is that what you get to look forward to in the 2nd half?...blah! Funny how life changes, isn't it? Even the dog stopped barking.

Tomorrow night, I have a party to attend. Maybe I'll just have to paint on that happy face I love so much and kick it up a notch...go crazy with my bad self... whooohoooo PAAAARTTAAAYYYY! umm, yea.

Well, 'nuf of this stuff for one night. I'm starting to sound just like one of those Lifetime movies I watch.

Hope everyone is happy and healthy out there...miss ya, hug ya, love ya!

Ciao!

Tis the season... for stressing

It's hard to believe that another year is almost gone. With the passing of Thanksgiving, everyone seems to warp into extreme shopping mode and to me it seems that there is little to be seen of the joy of the season on peoples' faces as they rush around trying to find the perfect gifts for friends and family...some feeling obligated to spend money they don't have making it obligatory giving at best it seems. One thing I have never quite understood about the whole thing is why, given the meaning of the observance, is so much emphasis put on buying gifts for each other? Shouldn't there be something or someone more important on people's minds than the materialistic aspect of it? And to cast an even darker shadow, the economy this year is sure to cause even more stress as everyone tries to please with less.

Maybe what I really don't like about the whole thing is that we are approaching the end of another year and life is speeding past us and there is nothing we can do to slow it down. Seems like the older you get, thoughts of the inevitable become more of a haunting reality than thoughts that were once reserved for the distant future. We rush through life like a raging river, carving our path of memories that will last only as long as we do.

Bah humbug :*(

So, I guess...

...we (meaning Lauren and I) are settling into our new life minus half of us. I see now how all the Mothers do it. They just do, because they have to. And I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't sure I could do it without feeling sad every second of the day. To my surprise, I am holding up quite well thanks to my telephone and emails back and forth. Thankfully, due to our strong will to survive and prosper in this life, there is something inside us that keeps prodding us to move along with our lives and find things to fill the empty spaces that are vacated by those who must leave us. Of course, I use the term "leave us" in a totally respective manner... leaving does not always denote a lack of love... on the contrary, it sometimes encourages us to love even more because absence does make the heart grow fonder. It is rather nice to think of it as having the freedom to live our own life and being able to do so without feeling trapped or guilty about it. I so hate that feeling, so I wouldn't want to impose that feeling on anyone else. There is something to be said for freedom and the ability to make choices that are based on our own personal wants and needs.

So, a random thought...now that my obsession with Dancing With the Stars has ended for this season and my "choice" did not win, Lance and Lacey if you must know (because of their originality), I suppose I will now focus my attention on something a little more pertinant and important... like knitting...nah, just kidding.

On that note, I shall hit the hay, and as they say in the South...

goodnight and sweet dreams

I love the cold...

I think I love it because it gives me a sharper awareness. I have always loved the seasons and the changes in the weather, especially the fall and winter months. It touches my soul in a way that no other time of year does. It just makes me feel good... it awakens my need to experience all the things I love about it... the leaves changing, hot chocolate and fires in the fireplace, the smell is intoxicating....snuggling under blankets... and the crisp chill in the air sparks a much needed energy in me that I crave. I feel so much more alive when it's cold!

Today's thoughts

I'm still feeling the sadness. I called Kristen after lunch today to see where they were and she said they were in the yellow/brown rolling hills of Illinois... that seems so darn far away!! because it is. They spent last night in Nashville, checked out the Grand Ole Opry, which by the way is awesome she said. I had planned on going there with her one day to try and peddle her music/vox but we never made it there together... not yet anyway.

Sooooo... on the cusp of yet another life changing event, I find it surprisingly hard to walk into her bedroom and not immediately feel a strong sense of emptiness and aching... her room is quiet and emptied of all her precious belongings, except for the few things that would not fit in their car and the mover's pod they rented and those that she felt she could now live without. I get that huge lump in my throat, the strong urge to hug her tightly and the tears begin to flow. All the sweet memories locked in my mind of her childhood come rushing to my head and it becomes overwhelming to stay in there. I have to leave and close the door. I know this is only a temporary insanity that I must accept and overcome, but nonetheless it is a real hurdle for me. I MISS HER and her smile, her hugs, her smell, her voice, her presence. I hope it doesn't take me too long to get used to this.

I have my Lauren at home, for a while longer. I don't know what I am going to do when she leaves too.

Life is so strange.

The Day After the Wedding...

The wedding went off without a hitch... it was one of the most beautiful displays of love and affection that I have seen between two people in love. It was my daughter's wedding to her boyfriend of 7 years. She was happy to finally tie the knot with the love of her life and so was he. They had a beach wedding at sunset. The day had been beautiful, cool and breezy. The sun set in a glorious blue/orange display... one of those rare bright orange sunsets that everyone stands in awe of, the kind of sunset that keeps you staring until the very last glimmer of light dips into the horizon.

The bridal party consisted of the bride and groom, maid of honor and best man, and two more sets of bridesmaids/groomsmen. They walked in a procession between drapes of tulle and deep purple hydrangeas through the soft silky sands of Clearwater Beach and to promise themselves in love to each other for life. My daughter was beautiful in her hand made wedding dress that she meticulously spent hours designing and constructing. My adorable son-in-law broke into tears halfway through his vows and that started the tears rolling down everyone's cheeks. It was a beautiful ceremony in a breathtaking setting amongst family and special friends who have shared their lives the most closely. It feels good to know that their union is now set before God and everyone. They are one, they are in love. That is the most that I could have wished for my daughter... that she find true love, and I believe she did. I wish them the absolute best that life can give them and I pray that the love they have today for each other only continues to grow throughout the years as they continue their journey through life together.

Closer

It's almost here... and I don't think I'm so ready for it. I want my home just like it is forever, but I can't have it my way... sadly I must let go, finally, and succumb to the next stage of life that I have been dreading for a while now, only because I so love the company of my girls... they have been the light of my life and my purpose. Now I must find a new me.

Bring on winter

Okay, so it’s Friday, a good thing I guess. Watchin’ the news this morning as I’m getting ready for work and I hear the weather man saying a “cool” front is coming through this weekend… holy good gosh, it’s gonna dip down to the low 80s, instead of the high 80s. Big difference. Everybody dig out your sweaters! Seriously, there is nothing cool about 80 degrees. Just give me a sweater, a comfy blanket to snuggle under and a good ripper in the fireplace and I’m one happy camper! I think I need to pack my schtuff up and move too…blast!

So here's how it really was...

For a very long time
I blamed everyone else
for you walking out on me
but in all truthfulness
the blame rests totally on you
my ex-good-friend
no one made you do a thing

I was in such denial
not wanting to believe
that there was nothing
I could do to hold on to you
because the cards were on the table
you had made up your mind
the end had come

I thought if I could convince myself
that it was someone else's fault
it wouldn't be your choice
you were being held hostage
at the mercy of some uncontrollable power
and somehow you would break free
from its hold and you would
come running back to me

I wanted it to all be a dream
that I could wake up from
and you would be here still
but it wasn't a dream

Every day I wished for you
with every power inside me
while my empty heart ached
the sadness was overwhelming
while I watched you having fun



I would have given anything
to just hear your voice again
God, the silence was deafening



I suppose the temptation
was more than you could bear
it seemed to make it easy for you
to open the door and walk through it
leaving me standing there
reeling in total disbelief
with all your justifications
still ringing in my ears



You told me that you cared...
you said you loved me so much
just not enough to stick around
for the long haul


Now as new skin grows over my ugly scars
from the cuts you made so deep in me
I finally see the truth for what it is
in my eyes and in my heart

and the truth is...

we protect those we love

we stand beside those we love

we hold on to those we love

we carry those we love in our hearts

with all the strength within us we honor them
..... and nothing less than that


so I guess that says it all


I will always believe that
true love is unconditional
and though conditions have changed
I will always love you
because my love is real
I have tried so hard
to get you out of my heart...

....but you never seem to go

Special moments

My daughter and I sewed on her wedding dress and bridesmaids' dresses again tonight and all I could think about was how short the time is that we have left to do things together like that. We both love crafty and creative things. She is moving so far away after the wedding... I had to stop sewing for a minute and just stared at her and I told her that I was going to miss her soooooo much that I can't even talk about it, and of course, the tears began to flow, as they are right now as I write. She said she was going to miss me too :*( .... maybe she'll move back home after a while... I hope... or maybe I'll have to go there eventually.

I just don't want to live so far away from my girls.

such sadness in the world...

Life is so uncertain, life is so fragile… we just never know. We hang in the balance and every day take our chances as we wander through life. It scares me sometimes.






peace <3

Black Monday

Today was a sad one. Found out a friend at work's son got killed in an ATV accident... he was only 10 years old. Tragic ending to such a young boy's life. I feel for his family and their loss.

The stock market and failing economy...
where is it all going to end up here? are we doomed to fail? the Bible predicted such a time... I am fearful.

Saturday night out

Okay, so here it comes...

the long awaited night on the town with the "girls" is happening tonight. Seriously, though, am I quite sure this is what I want? I want to find a "life", being that everything in mine has been changed quite surely against my will. In all seriousness I doubt that what I really want is going to happen ever again. The one guy I have met whom I could honestly fall for (he's the most gorgeous individual I have ever seen) is not interested. He's too busy chasing down 20 and 30 year old chics...what is it with men and younger women anyway? Do they think they're studs even into their 50s?

Whatever... I'll put on the proper face, pretend to be "fun", and have a good time in spite of myself.



It's 1:10am and I am home for my night out with the ladies. All in all, I'd say it was a very good time. We had a nice dinner at Cheesecake Factory (my usual, Chicken Madeira and for dessert we split a blueberry white chocolate cheesecake slice). K and her friend A were quite interesting to talk to... we got to know each other, compared life notes, and promised to meet up again soon. First meeting under normal circumstances...done.

peace and love to whoever is out there...




<3

Crossroads

Life=evolution. I always seem to be at a crossroads lately trying to decide which road to take. My oldest daughter is getting married and I am happy for her, but I am sad that she wants to move away, 3300 miles away to be exact, immediately following her wedding. I know that the adjustment period would have been considerable even with her just moving out of our house and into her own place, but the thought of her being 3300 miles away from me is almost overwhelming. I hope that I can be a big girl and deal with this without going insane. I have separation anxiety issues when it comes to my kids.

And what's even more breathtaking is that my youngest wants to follow her out there. With a husband that I don't really have anymore because he chooses to live with his ex-wife (yes, I know, it's sordid and disgusting, but it's coming to an end soon, something has to give) that leaves me in a particularly uncomfortable situation right now. Where to go, what to do? There's always my elderly Mother who could use a little financial help to supplement that puny SS check from Uncle S each month (I seriously don't know how she does it)... I could go live with her, but would she oblige and let me stay with her for a while?

So here I am, at a crossroads... I'm not so sure I want to walk up to the painted line just yet... that will mean making decisions, but I think it's probably time.

If my girls move to Colorado and if they stay there, I will definitely make every effort to get myself transplanted there. Hopefully there will be a decent job that I can fill that would adequately support me and my bad habits for a little while...

peace

Opening up and letting it out...

I started this account today to have a place to vent about things. A place to let out everything that I hold inside. We all have things we need to say in moments of desperation that can be shrouded in some form of anonymity... secret things, painful things, happy things, that you would probably rather not have everyone you know be privy to.

So here begins my journey into my psyche... my hopes, fears, loves and hates.